A Lesson Unlearned

Written by Remaliah Evans

In my last post,  I shared how I wanted to find a new job because I had been with my current employer for ten years. Well, I finally have the new job. It has been quite a journey, although it’s only been a few weeks.

I was blessed to be able to work with the same company for ten years, yet secretly the only reason I was there that long was because I was afraid to move on. Now here I am in this brand new position and you know what? God is still teaching me how to trust Him and move past the fear of failure. I knew my old position like the back of my hand, to the point where I could work from home. In this new position I am learning entirely different operating procedures; it’s challenging. 

Do you talk to yourself? I talk to myself all day long. I think to myself, “this is a new position, it’s going to take time to get acclimated; be patient with yourself.” And two seconds later a work situation arises and I think, “Oh my gosh I hate learning curves. I just want to know how everything works, now,” which is impossible, but if only! I love my new position, however the first few weeks were unnecessarily rough because I was operating out of fear and not trusting God. I went home every night and rehashed everything from the work day. Then laid awake worried about my to do list, and when I’d fall asleep I’d dream about work. That was not healthy because my behavior was driven by a fear of failure. 

I believe fear of failure entered my life when I was five years old and my Mom was home schooling me. When I initially learned the alphabet, I would say “x,y and z.” My Mom wanted this corrected because it sounded like “xyNz,” therefore she would have me repeat the alphabet over and over. One night she grew tired and she left me in the kitchen/classroom to practice. After a while I knocked on her room door and recited the alphabet, incorrectly, again. Out of exasperation she slammed the room door and told me not to come back until I got it right. At the time I could not understand what the big deal was, however in that moment I learned to tie my performance into acceptance and personal worth. The next day my Mom was refreshed and patient and fyi I did eventually learn my A B and C’s 😉 

After this last experience with fear of failure at work, I finally made a decision to believe God and rely on what He taught me through previous experiences. It is astounding how much my perspective changed (and how much better I slept) when I simply believed Him. God is faithful and He promised me the grace to do what He has directed me to do, at work, at home, at church, and in school. His grace is sufficient, which means I do not have to be afraid to fail because I am in relationship with Him.

This whole process makes me laugh at myself because when I resigned from my previous position I was convinced that I had overcome my fear of failure. As my Pastor says: a lesson unlearned is a lesson returned. And this makes perfect sense because God’s intention is to teach, not punish.  He loves me too much to leave me in a place of fear. 

Isaiah 43:1 NKJV “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.