Freedom

Written by Tina Cobian

I wanted to share my recent journey with you. But I need to give you a little bit of background before I start.  I was a Spirit-Filled Christian who had not experienced true freedom because I lived with unacknowledged rejection in my life.  It led to diabetes so severe that I found myself hospitalized several times each year.  Through rejection I continuously built up a wall within my heart until there was not enough room to sufficiently love the One who gave me life.  This was the thing I found to be the most unbearable of all.  BUT GOD…I love how the King James Version puts it…

But God, who is rich in mercy, for is great love wherewith he loved us,  even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us (made us alive) together with Christ. Ephesians 2:4-5

A defibrillator delivers quite a shock as well, but it can also bring a lifeless heart back from death.

Many times I ran to the alter asking God to “just heal me instantly.” If it had been that simple then the next words you would be reading would be, “The End.”  My journey was different because God knew what was best for me. Simply removing the problem from me instantly, would not give me the tools I needed to stay healthy.  After many conversations with Him asking Him to show me what was wrong, He showed me that I was walking in rejection.  Funny thing is after all of that asking I did not respond very positively to the answer.

When you have been in darkness for a long period of time, and there is suddenly light, it can hurt a little bit. Your body and mind have gotten so adjusted to the dark place that it becomes a place of normalcy and comfort. A bright light can be a shock to your system. A defibrillator delivers quite a shock as well, but it can also bring a lifeless heart back from death.

Working through the pain is a necessary part of the process.  When God turned on the light I made a choice to flip off the switch and continue to squint through life.  I look back at myself and feel like I was the proverbial Smegal with “my precious.” Rejection may not have been a golden ring, with an elvish inscription but it had me just as weighed down and I was not who God created me to be.

As the years went on rejection got progressively worse and more aggressive until it affected my family, health, and even my employment.  I was overwhelmed and overcome with sickness due to the many issues that ensued as a result of unrepentance.  There I said it.  When you allow rejection to fester in your system; you have first allowed a seed of un-forgiveness to take root and grow.

In your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27

My body was ravaged by diabetes which led to neuropathy in my esophagus, high cholesterol, pain in my feet, and poor vision.  I began to lay my hands on myself as part of my daily prayer and I would pray Psalm 103.  I believed it, declaring healing over every area.  I was still sick, overweight and unhappy.  Little did I realize John 1:4-5 had already gone to work in me.  I recognized rejection and asked God to forgive me. I had to learn to forgive and release my pain to God.  It was difficult to relinquish what I thought was my right to hold on to and although I didn’t see it right then, change was coming.

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome. John 1:4-5

Bless the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.  Psalm 103: 1-5

Again, I had gotten very sick and spent days in and out of the hospital but I still pressed in believing that God was (and is) my Healer.  I was home on medical leave and it had only been one week between doctor’s visits.  Upon my visit she pointed out I had gained 8 pounds during that one week.  She was worried.  My cholesterol was through the roof and she feared a heart attack, stroke or both.  She began an aggressive regimen of cholesterol medication and added a new medication to help my body absorb insulin better. I went home feeling a bit defeated but I continued to believe the words within Psalm 103…He HAS healed ALL of my sickness and disease.

I remember crying out and saying, “I can’t do this by myself God, please help me.” I spoke to an amazing brother in Christ later that day who encouraged me and prayed for me. He said that God showed him that He was going to renovate me from head to toe. “Just like on HGTV”, my house was going to be gutted and made brand new, not one old thing would be left, it was all going to be new.  He saw it and he believed it and so did I.

The next day I got up and my appetite had changed.  Whereas I was always ravenous before and never felt “full” I started having to remind myself to eat and force myself to finish even the small amounts of food I was eating.  (He satisfies your desires with good things Psalm 103:5)

The weeks that followed would include me studying, investigating and learning how to eat healthy.  I knew I had a hold of God’s hand and He was walking me through this and I was determined to be faithful to the process with Him. Every time I felt frustrated, angry, or stressed, every time I remembered pain, He pulled me closer in to Him and reminded me that He was with me and I wasn’t going to walk through these changes alone. Like a skillful surgeon He began to gently and lovingly remove diseased areas from me.  Each time He would show me what He was removing and then He would teach me how to deal with that area to keep it from growing back.

Weight started to come off, literal weight and that’s not all. I was no longer eating enough to sustain the level of insulin being pumped into my body so the doctor began lowering my dosage.  Each week my doctor would shake her head as she looked at the numbers. “This is wonderful” she would say. “I am sure that pretty soon you will not need me.” I was sure of it too. Months went by, my mindset had changed and my physical health had continued to show progress by leaps and bounds. Through it all I nestled myself into the heart of my God and listened to His voice, the voice that had called me forth from death to life.

I was sitting in the doctor’s office going over recent blood tests and my continued progress.  She looked at my cholesterol levels…normal. She told me not to take the medication anymore.  She moved on to other items and reviewed my daily blood sugar levels….  “Amazing” she kept saying.  “These numbers are all normal. We have to lower your insulin intake again.”  As she continued on with my test results her eyes widened and she pointed at the computer screen.  “Look at this!”  She exclaimed. There in black and white were my blood tests showing my average blood sugar level over the last three months. The number was that of a person WITHOUT diabetes. Then out of her mouth came these exact words, “These are not the numbers of a diabetic! You have reversed your diabetes!”  It was not me, but my God for He HAS healed all of my sickness and disease.

I had asked for healing many times and separately I had asked God to “help me lose weight”.  I even went through the process for bariatric surgery (gastric bypass) because it can alleviate or eliminate diabetes. God shut those doors and I didn’t have surgery.  There wasn’t going to be a “quick fix” for me or an easy out.  God wanted me healthy, renovated from head to toe and if I had gone under the knife of a natural surgeon all of the other problems would have remained.  There was still the issue of rejection and ungodly soul ties that He wanted me to deal with. God knew exactly what I needed and wasn’t allowing me to settle for anything less than complete wholeness.

Psalm 103:14 says, “He knows how we were formed.”  In other words, He knows what we are made of and He is quite aware of those things we think we have hidden. They are never hidden from Him and He loves us too much to leave us in a broken state. When He heals, He heals it all, complete.  I think about this journey and I am so glad He chose to heal me this way. It has brought me closer to Him and it’s the beat of His heart that keeps me going daily. His very gaze sustains me. Rejection lost its hold on me because I am forgiven and whole now – I am indeed free.