Prisoner of Fear

Written By Remaliah Evans

I was four years old watching Shaka Zulu and then I could not sleep later that night because I was afraid of being kidnapped. My Mom explained that no one would kidnap me, she prayed with me, pled the blood of Jesus over me, and then made me memorize 2 Timothy 1:7. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Since that day whenever I am afraid I say this verse because faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. This verse has carried me through many situations.

Still, I struggle with two major fears: fear of failure and fear of success. I have been blessed to work with the same company for ten years. However I should have found another job years ago. But I didn’t. I didn’t leave because I was afraid that I would fail in a new position or get fired because of cutbacks. I didn’t leave because I was afraid of what it would be like to succeed in a new position. Would the responsibility of success eventually crush me? Would I become a workaholic? I was paralyzed by fear. I updated my resume and I looked for jobs but I didn’t look too hard because I was afraid. I was very picky about the positions I would apply for, and although I was “looking” I only applied to a handful of jobs each year.

Fortunately for me God knows how to shake me up and get me moving, but I was quite stubborn. I kept adjusting and adapting to changes that were designed to guide me into a new position. Instead of taking the hint, I decided that I would rather deal with being uncomfortable than face the fear of failure, the fear of success, or the fear of the unknown. Until my admin quit. My admin had been with me for three years and she was overqualified, so she decided to move on.

When she quit I realized that she had the good sense to move on, and I didn’t. I was angry at myself for staying longer than I should have. I was angry because I realized that I had allowed fear to hold me prisoner. I had even received a prophecy that said, “The prison door is open, all you have to do is walk out.” I didn’t get it at the time. Honestly, I just got that right now. To top it off I had another prophecy confirming that there had been not one, but several times where I could have transitioned out my job and I chose not to. That truth was hard to hear.

I now refuse to turn down opportunities simply because I am afraid that I might fail, or because I am afraid that I might succeed.

As angry and as stupid as I felt when my admin quit, I must tell you that it was another six months before I even applied for a new position, and I did not get the job. I’m still here, in the same position. The good news is that I am now facing fear head on and still declaring that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Every day. The other good news is that I now refuse to turn down opportunities simply because I am afraid that I might fail, or because I am afraid that I might succeed. I had even stopped writing for some time because I was afraid that my writing would not make an impact. Throughout this whole process I have seen the Lord’s faithfulness and I have seen that no one is more committed to me than He is. No matter how strenuous and impossible the situation, God’s grace is sufficient.

It was never about the job, success, writing, or moving on. It has been about knowing Him more intimately.  Trusting Him, and trusting Him enough to follow Him even when the future seems uncertain.  I am no longer a prisoner of fear.